I Wept. Shortest Verse in the Book of [Me]...

I know what many of you, who know me, may be thinking (some have even asked)..."Where have you been, and why have you stopped blogging?!" Well, there's no good excuse for this, but there are many explanations. Life. Misfortune? Depression, maybe? I'll leave the explanations for another blog entry; perhaps a few more blog entries, a good therapist, and a glass bottle of the best red wine I can find (just kidding - not really). This blog entry is an alternative response to a culmination of proverbial bumps in the road.

A few months ago, I hit one of the lower points in my life, where I [somehow] allowed myself to think lesser of who I know I am. After being in that state for a time (too long to be honest), help came along (thank God) and got me on my way. I began to affirm who I am; reminded of and recognized the stuff I was made of; started reengaging my spirituality / faith, stimulating my mind (particularly the creative side of my brain), and increasing an awareness of my physical health. I've experienced enough to know that life is full of ups and downs, and we've got to do our best to pull from the resources we have in reach. Yet, with the recent mishaps, I found myself asking, "What's going on?" and "What am I doing wrong?" -- two actual questions that I sent in a text to a few of my friends. It came on the heels of a text exchange (between two of us) the night before. Knowing the details of things and how both she and I respond to perceived calamity, she sent a message reading: "So, did you cry yet? I tried last night ('cause my heart was racing), but nothing happened. Then I just simply said 'Jesus help me.' and went to sleep." I looked at my phone - wiping my tears, and replied, "I wept. Shortest verse in the book of [me]..." No matter what has happened in my life, I've always searched for ways to humor myself. I suppose since God gave me the healing gift of humor, I use it to heal my own hurt.

We've all seen this before: the "woe is me" / "why me?" inquiry that we portray or verbalize to the Heavens. This is what we do. We are all guilty of this, from birth to adulthood. And when we're through, we get ourselves together and keep pushing until we can push no longer--or at least we hope. There's no crime in asking why. The crime is in giving up on who you are, and who you have the potential to become. With that same spirit, I made moves. Wherever you may be in your journey, remember to use all that God has given you. It's yours for the taking. Then, keep it movin'! As with everything else in my soundtrack-of-a-life, here's one song for this season: Soul II Soul's Keep on Movin'. Listen here if you care to, and enjoy!

Fortunately, I Tell Myself the Truth

Way too much time has passed between now and my last blog entry on this site...I will try to avoid that happening again. I've allowed the busy-ness of life to consume me-all without taking [the proverbial] 'cyber pen-to-pad' otherwise known as blogging. It's no wonder my shoulder has been aching. I now understand what it is like to "feel the weight of the world on my shoulders." 

Perhaps, what I am feeling is not the weight of life (and the stress that comes along for the ride), but weight of weight-gain.

I recovered my missing phone and had it charge through the night. I woke up early (as usual) this morning and checked my voicemail messages. I know to check for messages from any phone, but for whatever reason, had not done so. I can't recall misplacing my work phone--ever, but my personal phone is frequently lost somewhere in my home, car...really, a variety of locations. (Note to self: Yet another example of how work is taking priority over all else. That must change). I was somewhat excited to check-in; to hear what I may have missed - after having misplaced my phone, and finding it...again.  A few messages were from friends touching base, sending holiday greetings, 'love you / miss you' messages (enjoy those), one was an anti-fraud message from my bank (gotta call them back), and two messages from my dad (one of which stood out to me).

"I was on my computer and saw a photo of you on Facebook. Do you mean to tell me you have gotten that fat?! I mean, look at your arms; your figure! Let's talk. Call me back, I'm tired of leaving voicemails."

Seriously? You can't be as tired of leaving voicemail messages, as I am of being disrespected by those closest to me. To answer the question: Yes. I've gotten fat; picked up a few; gained a little...yall know the rest. I have gotten fat. Over the past few years, I've put on more weight than I care to detail. I pant excessively when climbing steep hills and multiple flights of stairs; I stare at scores of clothes in my closet and drawers and think: 'one day, I'll wear you again-one day.' I get it. I've gotten it for years. The amazing thing, is that after hearing a message of this nature from a loved one, I didn't go off the deep end this time. I didn't burst into tears. I didn't call a lifeline and vent to a listening ear. I didn't set up a starvation plan. No one needed to talk me of of any ledge. No. Not this time. I've done those things thinking that being reminded of the painful truth would be motivation for weight-loss; only to later find myself on the fatter side of yo-yo'ing. I just erased the message, and continued to check the remaining 'love you / miss you' messages from those who love me at any size-and don't feel the need to point out the obvious. 

Fortunately, I tell myself the truth, so it's not difficult for me to acknowledge it. The hard and bitter pill to swallow, is the source. Then again, I must consider the source. After not seeing, hearing, or speaking with me for an extended period of time, that's the message you send? That I've "gotten that fat?" I guess so. I guess there's no shock there. No shock that you didn't notice how happy I looked in the photo, or the happiness that surrounded me in the photo...nope. Though, some small part of me [I suppose the little girl in me] is still in shock that I'd get that type of message from my dad.

This is not to bash my dad. Though he has said worse things to me, I acknowledge that that's just who and how he is. I will always honor him. What I want to share in this blog entry, is that growth is eminent at any age / stage in life. Perhaps a piece of me still hopes that I will see some growth in him. The level of emotional growth I've experienced has been worth the painful truth that I've come to terms with about the relationships I had (and have) with so-called friends and some family members. In reflection, I can recall encountering at least three tested or ended relationships-in just this year alone.  

Truth: I will always be a foodie. I will either gain weight or loose weight-whatever I decide to be, it will be because I have made that decision for myself. I will be happy .I am determined to be happy. 

Now, what's for breakfast?! :-)