Fortunately, I Tell Myself the Truth

Way too much time has passed between now and my last blog entry on this site...I will try to avoid that happening again. I've allowed the busy-ness of life to consume me-all without taking [the proverbial] 'cyber pen-to-pad' otherwise known as blogging. It's no wonder my shoulder has been aching. I now understand what it is like to "feel the weight of the world on my shoulders." 

Perhaps, what I am feeling is not the weight of life (and the stress that comes along for the ride), but weight of weight-gain.

I recovered my missing phone and had it charge through the night. I woke up early (as usual) this morning and checked my voicemail messages. I know to check for messages from any phone, but for whatever reason, had not done so. I can't recall misplacing my work phone--ever, but my personal phone is frequently lost somewhere in my home, car...really, a variety of locations. (Note to self: Yet another example of how work is taking priority over all else. That must change). I was somewhat excited to check-in; to hear what I may have missed - after having misplaced my phone, and finding it...again.  A few messages were from friends touching base, sending holiday greetings, 'love you / miss you' messages (enjoy those), one was an anti-fraud message from my bank (gotta call them back), and two messages from my dad (one of which stood out to me).

"I was on my computer and saw a photo of you on Facebook. Do you mean to tell me you have gotten that fat?! I mean, look at your arms; your figure! Let's talk. Call me back, I'm tired of leaving voicemails."

Seriously? You can't be as tired of leaving voicemail messages, as I am of being disrespected by those closest to me. To answer the question: Yes. I've gotten fat; picked up a few; gained a little...yall know the rest. I have gotten fat. Over the past few years, I've put on more weight than I care to detail. I pant excessively when climbing steep hills and multiple flights of stairs; I stare at scores of clothes in my closet and drawers and think: 'one day, I'll wear you again-one day.' I get it. I've gotten it for years. The amazing thing, is that after hearing a message of this nature from a loved one, I didn't go off the deep end this time. I didn't burst into tears. I didn't call a lifeline and vent to a listening ear. I didn't set up a starvation plan. No one needed to talk me of of any ledge. No. Not this time. I've done those things thinking that being reminded of the painful truth would be motivation for weight-loss; only to later find myself on the fatter side of yo-yo'ing. I just erased the message, and continued to check the remaining 'love you / miss you' messages from those who love me at any size-and don't feel the need to point out the obvious. 

Fortunately, I tell myself the truth, so it's not difficult for me to acknowledge it. The hard and bitter pill to swallow, is the source. Then again, I must consider the source. After not seeing, hearing, or speaking with me for an extended period of time, that's the message you send? That I've "gotten that fat?" I guess so. I guess there's no shock there. No shock that you didn't notice how happy I looked in the photo, or the happiness that surrounded me in the photo...nope. Though, some small part of me [I suppose the little girl in me] is still in shock that I'd get that type of message from my dad.

This is not to bash my dad. Though he has said worse things to me, I acknowledge that that's just who and how he is. I will always honor him. What I want to share in this blog entry, is that growth is eminent at any age / stage in life. Perhaps a piece of me still hopes that I will see some growth in him. The level of emotional growth I've experienced has been worth the painful truth that I've come to terms with about the relationships I had (and have) with so-called friends and some family members. In reflection, I can recall encountering at least three tested or ended relationships-in just this year alone.  

Truth: I will always be a foodie. I will either gain weight or loose weight-whatever I decide to be, it will be because I have made that decision for myself. I will be happy .I am determined to be happy. 

Now, what's for breakfast?! :-)